Fathers, Provoke not your children to wrath...

Phew. It has been a challenging week. Amaus has been fussy with a cold. Isaac is doing many irrational things- things he has never done before, like deliberately tearing up things, and being destructive (amongst many other things). Josiah...well, I'll get there in a minute.
There are always days here and there like this; Occasionally weeks. I know they are phases, and they will pass. When we are having times like this, I feel like I am nothing but a disciplinarian, nothing but a bobble head Mom who utters "No, NO, NO!" every time I am shaken. I feel like I should wear a shirt that says, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" and then maybe I can just point to it every time the need arises. Boy would I have a strong finger.
Sometimes I find myself feeling like I am in a snowball of "No's". What I mean is, I have had to say the word 'no' so incredibly much that my immediate response to a question is a straight up, "no". Even if it is unneeded. Even if what is being asked for is perfectly okay. Of course, what comes next in my mind is, "Wait a minute. Now that isn't a big deal at all. But now I have said no and..."
It is so hard to find the right balance. Sometimes my kids are just being kids. (Perhaps, screaming and stomping through the house- while Amaus is trying to nap for the third time...(I'm only hypothetically speaking-of course)) Sometimes they are deliberately being bad. Nonetheless, I think it can be so easy to wear them down with rules and "No's", that they feel what I expect of them is unattainable. Why even bother?
Today, when Josiah and I were having school, he wouldn't even try. It was so frustrating. As soon as I would try to explain something he would begin whining and laying his head on his desk saying he couldn't and he didn't understand. I mean, when I began to speak- he began to whine. Now it doesn't take a genius to figure out that when a kid has their head down on the table and they are whining, they aren't hearing a word you are saying.
Me: "Of course you cannot understand. You will not stop whining long enough to listen. You have done this before. I know you can do it. "
Josiah: "This is too hard. Awwwww...I just don't understand". (This is simultaneous with my voice. )
I began to get more and more angry. Perhaps this is when my stubbornness kicked in, and I got a "you just don't want to do this- but you WILL do it" type attitude. A short worksheet that should have taken 15 mins, took 1 hr...and it was a miserable hour. We finally moved on to another task...which he refused to do altogether. I became more angry. Finally, I told him he needed to go to his room for a while until he was ready to listen.
This is not the schooling picture I want, or enjoy. We have had an absolute blast for the majority of the year- but the last week has not come close. While Josiah was in his room, I went and sat down in the recliner to feed Amaus, who had been also crying while I tried to help Josiah. That may have aided in my frustration. I sat and thought of everything we were doing, and all that Josiah has learned this year. I sat and thought of why I was so frustrated and why I felt like nothing but a super sized Groucho. Then I felt the Lord speaking to me about my attitude.
Almost all at once I was reminded of His loving hand that leads me on, teaching me patiently and kindly. I thought of how many times I haven't heeded his instruction, and how many times I have missed out. BUT, he isn't standing over me with a stick ready to beat me. He is lovingly finding ways to urge me on. He places things in my path that are interesting to me- just so I will learn more of him. He most certainly doesn't "punish" me into learning them. When I feel as though I cannot go on, or even when I am being stubborn and just don't want to, he simply sit's and hugs me. His love gives me the strength I need to push on. When I gave my all to Jesus, if there would have been someone standing over me constantly telling me to meet some expectation, I would have been worn down and I would have probably given up. The Lord slowly weaned me away from the things that he didn't want in my life- and He still is. He does it ever so gently. He convicts, but he points to the hope and reward on the other side.
Suddenly, I understood that I have expected far too much from Josiah. I often expect his actions and smarts to match that of a ten year old. I suppose it is because he is uniquely mature for his age. I can carry on a very advanced conversation with this 5 yr old. While his intelligence and maturity seem advanced, his attention span and emotions may not be. Because I want so desperately to see him thrive in all he does, I have packed too many expectations on his back- and he feels he cannot meet them. The Lord spoke to me and showed me that I am setting him up for never feeling "good enough". I have clearly seen the root of our problems over the last week- my pride.
When Josiah had had enough of school, it wasn't time for me to tack on discipline- it was time for me to take a break and play with him. It was time for me to say- "You've done well. Now what would you like to do?"
I have repented. Lord, you are not a task master, nor should I be one either.
God help me to strive to mimic your example as a Father. Your yoke is easy, and your burden is light. You always lead me on tenderly. You always instruct me gently. I want to be like you.