Winning the Heart

The adoption process is much different than the birthing process in that, it is natural and expected in most cases that moms, dads, and their babies connect in the beginning, love and adore one another from the get go. With adoption, especially in older children, there is the process of winning the heart of your own child. It's a very strange feeling to be striving to gain your child's trust and affection. It really does hurt to be rejected. There is always a feeling of something missing when you're wondering if your child will trust, come to, or want your comfort from one minute to the next. It also hurts to know that your child is grieving, but they won't receive your help, or comfort.

I am learning to trust that God can work this miracle however He decides to. I am learning in an extremely tiny way, what it must feel for the Father to long to wrap His children up in His arms and never let them go. But we as His children often reject that love that is the only real balm and the only way true peace will ever come.

When a child has been in an orphanage where they have been cared for by numerous staff workers, and people who change shifts frequently, they have no real connection with any one particular person as the 'mom' or 'dad'. There is a whole new process of learning trust, and what mommy and daddy really mean.

That's why in these cases, it is pretty detrimental in the early months for the new mommy and daddy to do all of the caring for, watching, feeding, gift giving, bathing, and comforting when the child is sad or hurting, or has any need. This is the only way for them to begin to understand and trust the true sense of mom and dad. If many people are part of these tasks the child is still perceiving mom and dad in the orphanage sense of different caregivers, who come and go.

Our next few months, at a minimum, will be solely focused on establishing this foundation of trust for our little girl, with us. In many cases, this might not be quite as important if the child has been cared for by a certain one or two people for as long as they can remember. Sure. There is still the sadness of them leaving those people they know and love, but it is easier for them to begin to build trust in their mom and dad from the beginning.

When this was not the case with the child, the parents have to set serious boundaries to help the child begin to understand simple concepts that are not natural at all for their child who has been cared for by numerous people. Its because they have never established a serious bond or connection with any particular person.

Many times when people meet an adopted child, and they see that child eager and easily going to new caregivers, extended family members and family friends, they think it's a great sign. It's really not, in a newly adopted child. That's a typical sign of a child who has never had that foundational bond with any one person. What should be, is the child should be eager for their parent's security, and then later, trust should be built with new people. It should be natural for a child to resist strangers and cling to their parents and not the opposite. This is something that must be learned when it wasn't established early on.

The goal is for the child to desire the parents consoling, comfort and nurture far above any other person. Just like with biological children.


Our process so far has been a little different from the normal Peruvian adoption process, in that, they placed Camila in our care from day one...something we did not expect, but we're so grateful for. Normally the adoptive parents come each day for at least three days to the orphanage to play with the child, and then on the fourth day the child is placed in the parent's care. Things went so well in the first meeting that Camila was immediately placed in our care.

There has been only one downfall to this, and that is we had to take her back to the orphanage after she has technically been with us for three days, for the going away party. This is usually, and still was today, a fun time for the child to play with and say goodbye to all of those they have lived with as siblings. But it can be very confusing for a little child who has been with their new mommy and daddy for a few days, and then they are thrown right back into the mix with their previous perception of family and friends; especially after they have already began building tiny steps toward connecting with their new family.

We had a very good night last night with Camila. Thank you for praying. She went to sleep much easier, and then slept the night through. The morning went pretty good, although she seemed kind of upset at breakfast at the hotel. When we came back to our room, she quickly became happy and played and played with big cheerful smiles. Camila LOVES to dance. I mean loves it. I think she'd do it all day long!

After getting the goody bags ready for the party we all went to an Amazon manatee rescue center. It was really cool! We got to go on a pretty good drive in a moto taxi (which we all love- especially Camila who laughs and smiles nearly the whole time!) outside of the city and were able to see some of the jungle. The boys got to feed the manatees. It was a very neat outing!






























After that we went back to the orphanage where I attempted to get Camila to take a nap. That wasn't happening...but she laid there sweetly and rested while her exhausted mama dozed in and out.

We hurried and got everyone ready, and then caught a couple more moto taxis to the orphanage for the going away party. We had SO MUCH STUFF with us that it must have looked like the Clampits, for real. I've figured out though, in Iquitos, you can carry anything you want on a moto taxi! I've seen about 8 mattresses stacked on top of one, and two dressers, and two desks all loaded on the back of one moto taxi! Hilarious.
(There are very few cars here. People either ride moto taxis, or own motorcycles. They all drive in huge crowds up and down the streets. There are no lanes there could be four uneven rows of moto taxis, motorcycles, and an occasional bus, all weaving and going everywhere on the road. It. Is. Nuts. People who own motorcycles will squeeze their whole family on one. It is typical to see a mom, dad, child or two in the middle, and a baby sitting on a leg out to the side on a motorcycle!!)





Anyway, when we arrived at the orphanage, Camila immediately began biting her finger nails and seeming nervous. She has not been biting her fingernails at all since she has been in our care. She didn't want me to put her down, so Danny and Leslie got busy getting things set up, as we waited on the bakery to deliver the cake (Yes. On a moto taxi!)










Soon though, lots of Camila's friends began to show up. When the music started and the balloons began flying into the air, she got down and started dancing and throwing balloons. Her two favorite things! After a short while though, she began running up to some of the caregivers who tended to her at the orphanage. She would run up to one girl who also lived in her home,and want her to feed her and share her drinks with her. When Danny and I would try to help her with these things, she would fuss or cry.

Camila was feeling very confused, and I knew it. I don't mind admitting that it gave me a jealous feeling. How I longed to wrap her up in my arms and do the things she was seeking from the various caregivers and children but she did not want me or Danny to. It felt strange to be rejected, but I also understood that she was merely going to the people and children who have responded to her over the last 2 1/2 years.

A little later, we were able to use play opportunities to help her open up to us again. We danced with the children. We danced with her, and we were able to hold her again.
















Josiah, Isaac and Amaus all helped pass out goodies to the children. They also all enjoyed running and playing with the small kids. It was so sweet. :)






















GETTING DOWN!!



Our precious Peruvian Princess



Camila finally let Daddy feed her some cake.















I love Leelee!



Amaus dancing with his new amigos!







Camila loves this sweet little boy. He was a darling.






















Marisa, showing us how to twist and shout! This lady is so awesome!! I'm not kidding! What a blessing!

The party went well, and all of the children were so sweet and playful. I pray all of the find good homes to grow up in.






Camila danced even as we left the orphanage.


After we came back to the apartment, we began to see good signs of her bonding with us again. At times, if one of us is holding or tending to another child, she gets jealous and wants us to pick her up. We want her to desire our affection and so these are good steps.

I went with Leslie and Marisa to pick up a few handmade things made by area natives. There are still tribal people who live close by and make things that they take into the city to sell. Very cool. We stopped on the way back and ordered a pizza that was made to order and delivered by moto taxi in 15 minutes!

Everything comes alive at night in Iquitos. Hoards of people, motor cycles and moto taxis swarm the streets and side walks. The women here dress very sultry, and it is nothing to see clowns walking up and down the streets. It is a very unique scene! Tonight we saw two clowns on about six foot stilts! The bottom of the stilts had little baby shoes on them! Crazy.

Anyway! Im rambling! We came back to our apartment once again, had pizza, and finally got to meet our missionary friends, the Rolfzens, who came by. It was a good evening.

At bedtime, Camila seemed scared and cried for about 5 minutes. I sang to her and patted her, and left the lights on until she was fast asleep.

We have to go sign the documents in the morning that officially place Camila in our care, and out of the orphanage's care. This is not the adoption resolution, it is simply a sign over of care while the appropriate documents are being prepared. There is a legal requirement of having a family placement week before the adoption is complete. While we do not want to leave Camila at all, we feel it will be best to leave her with Leslie rather than confuse her further by bringing her back to the orphanage to sign the documents. I think this is making steps backwards rather than forwards. We will dash there in a moto- taxi, sign the documents, and dash back.

Next week, a psychologist has to come by one day to check on Camila. Other than that, we will do nothing but hang out, enjoy Iquitos, and bond with our daughter. It is neat to me that our family placement week is Easter week.

My little sister and her husband are expecting their first baby, and it looks like they will be having it no later than this upcoming Monday. Please pray for my sis Grubby (yes, she likes this nick-name, but her real name is Micah.) as she gives birth to her son Israel. I cannot wait to be there to meet their precious bundle of joy. I know Leelee can't either!