Pit of Despair

Psalm 118:5
I called on the Lord in distress;
The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place.

Sometimes God reminds me of the pit of despair He rescued me from. Every now and then, I am awakened once again to the thought of where I would be without my Lord. In those moments it is almost like God lifts a veil covering my past. It is as though I am looking at a different person playing the role of Calley in my memories. God has so stilled the ripples from my past, so removed the thick cloud of depression, and the casts of guilt and insecurity that I lived my life in for so long. Looking back- it doesn't even seem real anymore.

At the age of six I remember praying with my Dad in the driveway of a friend's house. I wanted to be a christian. I wanted to follow Jesus. I was only six, but I felt a burning in my heart and a zeal for the Lord. I was excited and meant it with as much as a six year old could. I went to church through the years- and remember seeking to please God with my life as a child.

I don't know what happened as I grew older.  I suppose around the seventh grade I began to make little choices to distance myself from God. I think that was about the time I began to be awakened to the knowledge of another side of life. I was curious about that other side. I had already caught on to a couple of hard facts about life. Noone is typically drawn to the kid who is different. That becomes more accepted in college...Jr. High isn't quite as friendly to expressive personalities. (I'm sure those Tweety bird sneakers (??) and rainbow lace skirts didn't help me morph into normal-dom)
I tried the Girbauds- but they just didn't work for me. By the time I reached the eighth grade, I had fully opened the door of my mind to pursue another life. As harsh as it sounds, it was almost like I remember fighting against the Holy Spirit that was urging me so strongly in the other direction. I would gulp- push it all away- and continue with my own choices. How many years were wasted as I sought after pleasing other people, living to feel liked and accepted, and seeking something to satisfy the deeper hurt  in my soul. I lived for the times I called "good" when I could forget how awkward, goofy and unaccepted I felt. I used whatever means I could find to totally erase how I really felt about myself, and I lived to make anyone and everyone laugh. In those moments I really did feel like there were people who liked me and accepted me.

When I was alone, I did alot of crying. I felt like I was dieing inside-giving away more and more of myself piece by piece to a life I knew was a lie. Even when I did toy with the idea of running back home, I was met with so many deceptive thoughts.
"You've gone too far now. What makes you think you're going to be able to turn around now?."
"No one would ever believe you if you said you were following Jesus. "
"You'll mess up in a week- and then you'll really look like an idiot."

One day something dawned on me. Why was the devil working so hard to convince me I couldn't run home to the Lord? There was obviously something planned for me over there- and satan was working over time to keep me wrapped up in bondage.

On one weepy night of brokeness, I decided to throw all of my eggs in one basket. I couldn't handle the limbo anymore. If I looked like an idiot. Oh well. If I had no friends. Oh well. I couldn't go to bed another night with the pain of knowing I was at war with the Savior of my soul.

Then a funny thing happened. As I rose from that pit-, that muddy, filthy, and hopeless pit- as I rose and turned my feet toward the direction of home- I saw the most amazing thing in the distance. No- it wasn't God waiting to beat me over the head with a rod. It was Jesus- waiting with His arms open wide. It was my Lord, welcoming me home with tears of joy streaming down His cheeks. Oh how He longed for our reunion! I fell at His feet. How could He love me after how I had dissappointed Him, and completely turned my back on Him?

Each month got easier. If God told me to lay something down- I would do it. It was very tough at first...but with each surrender I was filled with greater joy. There can be nothing greater on earth than being at peace with the Lord!

So much has changed since then. Sometimes I glance around and find it difficult to absorb the detail and beauty of this broad place God has placed me in.

My goofiness never disappeared- and my love for laughing until my stomach cramps- will probably never leave me. But the parts of the old Calley- the ones I see played out in my memories of all that time of searching-they're like fading black and white photos that grow ever dimmer, or perhaps have even completely disapeared. They have been replaced a hundred fold by the vibrantly colored albums of immeasurable joy and peace.

As far as the east is from the west,
So far has he removed our trangressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He remembers our frame;
He remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:12-14

If you , Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
That you may be feared. Psalm 130:3-4

"Broad Place" coming soon...